Passion Novel - Chapter 94

“Taei. You pretend not to be, but you’re surprisingly sensitive, that’s your problem. You probably didn’t get a good night’s sleep yesterday and tossed and turned. Take some tension out of your shoulders. Don’t exaggerate small problems. …Ah, right. Since you’re here anyway, why don’t you just work out? Your head will feel clearer after you sweat.”

After speaking, he lightly kissed Jeong Taeui’s cheek, as if greeting a close family member with affection. Then he took a step back and smiled faintly.

“Well, fine. I think I saw Luther weight training inside. He’s probably cooling down now or in the shower room. I hope you take care of your business well, Taei.”

Ilay patted Jeong Taeui’s shoulder a couple of times and then started walking again. Jeong Taeui stood motionless, listening to his footsteps fade away as he passed by him, until the sound finally disappeared around the corner and down the hallway.

“…”

His fingernails dug into his palm. His clenched fist trembled faintly without his knowing.

For a moment, he forgot the headache. It was because his mind had turned black with heat. A lump surged up from within, choking his throat for a moment, making it difficult to breathe.

“Ha…”

Jeong Taeui slowly opened his hand. Crescent-shaped nail marks were etched into his palm.

“Honestly…”

He mumbled with a sigh. He wanted to snort, but no laughter came out.

“It’s been a long time since I felt this awful…”

Jeong Taeui clicked his tongue. Hearing his own words out loud made him feel even worse. He hadn’t expected anything grand. This was a man who would make sexual jokes even after raping someone, so he hadn’t even imagined he would apologize or show any remorse. Even if he did, upon reflection, there might not have been any reason for Jeong Taeui to accept that apology.

He thought, ‘Of course, a guy like him would act like that,’ but seeing that nonchalant face, a lump of resentment surged up.

Hey, you bastard. At least show some embarrassment, or better yet, just pass by without saying anything at all. That’s the decent thing to do.

Jeong Taeui felt his heart constrict and pounded his chest with his fist. He hit it hard enough to feel pain in his chest, and his breathing returned a little. At the same time, the headache, which had momentarily left his consciousness, fiercely returned. The moment he felt that headache, Jeong Taeui released the grip from his fist. A breath, whether a sigh or a lament, escaped his lips. The resentment that had surged to his head instantly seemed to drain away to his feet. And then, that feeling from before, the one whose name he couldn’t recall, enveloped his mind again.

What was that feeling, similar to depression, he wondered, as his headache worsened, and Jeong Taeui entered the training room. Fortunately, Luther was found at a glance. Luther, who was untying his shoelaces as if he had just finished his cool-down exercises and was about to enter the shower room, mumbled, “Uh, uh,” when he saw Jeong Taeui, whose face was pale and rigid, striding directly towards him. He seemed about to ask, “What brings you here at this hour?” but seeing Jeong Taeui, who looked almost ghostly, he stammered and closed his mouth.

“Uh, Taei… Good morning… doesn’t seem right. You looked like that last night too, why is your face such a mess… Uh, uh? Hey! Wait! I haven’t showered yet!!”

Jeong Taeui, glancing at Luther’s complexion as he greeted him and asked about his well-being, grabbed Luther’s nape and pulled him close. He pulled Luther, who came along like a doll, close to his nose and said in a low voice, like someone about to die.

“Give me the medicine.”

He was cursed out by Luther. As he was dragged to the infirmary, unable to change out of his sweaty workout clothes, Luther poured out a torrent of harsh curses that barely avoided crossing the line into obscenities. It was the same while searching for medicine inside the infirmary, and it was the same even after he received the medicine, chewed and swallowed it, and Jeong Taeui turned to go back to his room.

The fortunate thing was that his head was throbbing so much that most of the curses went in one ear and out the other.

He didn’t know how he managed to get back to his room. When he came to his senses, Jeong Taeui was sprawled on his bed. Since his head hurt, his vision also throbbed. The phone came into view in the corner of his blurred, flickering vision. It was still unplugged from when he had pulled the cord before falling asleep last night, now just a piece of scrap metal.

Had anyone called him while the phone line was unplugged? If someone had called, it would most likely have been his uncle. No, perhaps even if the phone had been plugged in, it might not have rung even once. That seemed more likely.

His uncle was not someone who would make excuses to assert his righteousness about something that had already happened. He would rather choose to remain a bad person without explanation. If he had done the right thing and been misunderstood—though it didn’t seem likely that someone of his uncle’s caliber would make a mistake that would lead to misunderstanding—if he had done something wrong, he was the kind of person who would calmly admit it when questioned later, without trying to explain or cover it up. And then he would ask with a brazen face, ‘So, what are you going to do?’

—So, what are you going to do, Jaeui?

Suddenly, his uncle’s voice from long ago faintly came to mind. A younger voice than now.

He couldn’t remember exactly when it was. It seemed like a summer vacation during elementary school. At that time, Jeong Taeui was busy playing with his neighborhood friends, going to summer camps and such, so he didn’t know the exact circumstances. When he returned home after a two-night, three-day camp organized by the school’s youth corps, his father and uncle were fighting. No, saying they were fighting might be an overstatement. His father was unilaterally angry, and his uncle was silently enduring that anger. And next to them, his brother sat with an expressionless face.

Jeong Taeui’s father was usually a quiet person. He rarely showed strong emotions or exploded. He deeply cherished his much younger brother, and when his proud brother, who had joined some incredibly famous and excellent international organization abroad—it was UNHRDO—occasionally returned home on vacation, he always took warm care of him.

So, Jeong Taeui had never seen his father get so angry at his uncle until that day.

Jeong Taeui stopped taking off his shoes at the entrance and stood there blankly, looking back and forth between his father and uncle. His father, after pouring out his anger, paused for a moment. And a brief silence fell. Then his uncle, without apologizing to his father, without saying he was wrong, quietly opened his mouth. “So, what are you going to do, Jaeui?” he said.

His father’s face was momentarily dumbfounded. And he looked at his brother with an expression mixed with anger, pain, and sadness, then finally shook his head and went into his room.

Perhaps because his father’s rare anger was so striking, he couldn’t remember what his brother had answered then. He also hadn’t heard what had made his father so angry.

But what Jeong Taeui belatedly realized with a child’s intuition was that his uncle had exploited his brother’s exceptional talent. Thinking about it now, it seemed that his uncle had probably created the opportunity for his brother to develop weapons then.

“…”

Jeong Taeui sighed and closed his eyes. The medicine seemed to be taking effect, as the headache dulled ever so slightly. His uncle never apologized to his father to the very end. Perhaps he had apologized without Jeong Taeui knowing, but he felt with certainty that he hadn’t.

However, for some reason, another image overlapped with that of his uncle, who had remained silent without apologizing to the very end. At his father’s funeral several years ago, his uncle sat in a corner of the wake hall, motionless. He would gaze at the floor lost in thought for a long time, then occasionally, as if remembering, he would gaze at his father’s portrait. Until the hearse left, his uncle remained seated like that.

His uncle didn’t apologize. He lost the opportunity to apologize forever. Perhaps that was the punishment that clever yet clumsy man had imposed on himself, Jeong Taeui thought.

“Uncle… If you don’t apologize, I’ll remember it my whole life and stubbornly bring it up every time I see you…”

Jeong Taeui mumbled with his eyes closed. He was too exhausted to get angry or vent his resentment. What was this inexplicable, unpleasant feeling?

Jeong Taeui groaned, wondering when the throbbing headache in his head would disappear, and pulled the blanket over himself.

Just then.

Footsteps seemed to approach from the opposite side of the hallway, and then the door burst open. Jeong Taeui, pulling the blanket up to his nose, glared at the person who had opened the door without knocking and walked in.

“Taei hyung.”

However, the moment he identified the person who had entered, Jeong Taeui dropped his fierce gaze. Slowly sitting up on the bed, he asked the unexpected visitor with a puzzled expression.

“Xinlu… What brings you here?”

“Hyung…”

The visitor, standing blankly blocking the doorway, only called Jeong Taeui’s name once and then fell silent. His face, staring intently at Jeong Taeui, was pale and rigid.

“Xin…”

But before Jeong Taeui could call his name again, Xinlu strode towards the bed. And he grabbed Jeong Taeui by the collar and pulled him close. Jeong Taeui’s expression hardened slightly.

“Xinlu. …What’s wrong? What’s happening?”

Xinlu’s face was less than a hand’s span away. His bloodless, blue lips twitched as if wanting to say something, then stopped.

Jeong Taeui’s expression stiffened. He had never seen Xinlu like this before. More than Xinlu grabbing him by the collar, the unfamiliar expression felt more alien. It was as if he were looking at a stranger. No… this was a stranger.

“…is not allowed.”

Xinlu whispered something. His voice was so small that Jeong Taeui couldn’t quite catch it. Jeong Taeui frowned slightly.

Xinlu’s pale face was devoid of expression. It was rigid like a wax doll, as if it had lost all vitality and emotion. Jeong Taeui knew this kind of face. It was a dangerous face.

“Xinlu. Let go of this.”

Jeong Taeui placed his hand over Xinlu’s hand, which was gripping his collar. Gently, carefully, yet firmly. But Xinlu paid no attention. It was as if he couldn’t hear Jeong Taeui’s voice. He seemed unaware that Jeong Taeui was holding his hand.

“Hyung. …With Riegrow, …with Ilay Riegrow, that man, …did you sleep with him?”

A low voice escaped from his pale blue lips. It was a thin, faint voice, like the sound of wind, but it pierced Jeong Taeui’s eardrums clearly. He didn’t know where he had heard such words, or why it had to be at this moment, when he was so exhausted he felt like he would collapse. The moment Jeong Taeui registered Xinlu’s words, his face stiffened. Suddenly, a lump of forgotten resentment blocked his chest. It was because of unpleasant memories. It wasn’t because he had slept with Ilay Riegrow. That man’s cold personality, cruel hands, indifferent eyes – all of it mixed together to create a sickening discomfort that twisted his heart.

Xinlu seemed to interpret Jeong Taeui’s stiffening expression in some way, and he fell silent. His gaze, fixed on Jeong Taeui without a single blink, gradually distorted.

“……Why did you do that?” 

“Xinlu.” 

“No, you can’t……, not that man. Why didn’t you tell me? I told you to look only at me. I said I wanted you to be only with me, didn’t I!” 

“Xinlu!”

The hand gripping his collar tightened. Jeong Taeui suddenly thought that he might even be trying to strangle him. And the next moment, a chill ran down Jeong Taeui’s spine. Xinlu was indeed trying to strangle Jeong Taeui, with eyes that looked half-crazed.

His eyes seemed to be burning red. His glistening, tear-filled eyes stared straight at Jeong Taeui, silently screaming.

“Xinlu, snap out of it! Xinlu!”

Jeong Taeui shouted, but it was no use. He seemed not to hear. Or perhaps he was pretending not to hear while hearing everything.

The strength in his grip was terrifying. Jeong Taeui tried with all his might to tear his hand away, but the hand gripping his collar wouldn’t let go.

“I thought it was a lie. I thought there was no way. I couldn’t understand why hyung would sleep with that man, why such an unpleasant rumor was spreading. You like me, don’t you? I like you too, don’t I? But, you didn’t even do that with me, so why with him? It doesn’t make sense!”

Xinlu’s voice was already closer to a growl, grinding his teeth. The hand gripping his collar suddenly pushed Jeong Taeui. Jeong Taeui stumbled back onto the bed directly behind him and rolled over. Xinlu, still holding his collar, fell with him.

“……!”

Jeong Taeui swallowed a groan. His legs tangled, and there was a ‘thud’ sound. For a moment, his vision blurred. It felt like fire was burning below his knee. It was where he had had surgery before.

While Jeong Taeui suppressed the pain without a sound, Xinlu climbed on top of him.

“Hyung, don’t you like me? You said you liked me. But why that man? Not that man. I told you I hated that man!”

Xinlu, sitting on Jeong Taeui’s waist, tugged at his collar. Rip, rip, the front of his shirt easily tore open. Cool air touched his skin. As Jeong Taeui’s body was revealed, Xinlu lunged at him like a beast with its prey, biting his collarbone as if truly trying to tear him apart.

“Xinlu. …Xinlu, calm down, move for a second.”

Jeong Taeui grabbed Xinlu’s head and spoke, but Xinlu didn’t reply, simply bit Jeong Taeui’s exposed body indiscriminately, as if to leave his mark. Jeong Taeui gritted his teeth. Otherwise, a sigh, a curse, or tears would escape his lips. His head throbbed with pain. This unfamiliar man on top of him was terribly heavy. His heart felt constricted, making it hard to breathe. It felt as if everything in the world was tormenting him terribly.

“Xinlu……, stop.”

Jeong Taeui whispered haltingly, with no strength in his voice. Honestly, he wanted to cry. He wanted to sob like a child and throw everything away, thinking, ‘I don’t care anymore, let whatever happens happen.’ He wished he could hide in some corner and never come out.

But he couldn’t do that because, although this man was terribly unfamiliar, he was Xinlu.

Jeong Taeui should have felt sorry for Xinlu. His body had betrayed the person he loved. He had repeatedly slept with someone else and found pleasure in it. And now, his mind was also betraying Xinlu. Jeong Taeui realized at that moment. He still loved and cherished Xinlu, but he couldn’t accept everything about Xinlu. It wasn’t the kind of affection Xinlu desired.

Hearts fade, and emotions lose their color.